There are a few reasons that drums sound different out front or in a room or on 'tape' than they do sitting behind them.
1) room acoustics
2) mic position compared to the drummer's ear, especially with the kick. A drum sounds very different to a mic a few inches away from the head - or completely inside a drum - vs the drummer's ear at 18" or so from the head.
3) mic type and it's particular characteristics
4) EQ/compression/reverb or other FX
5) sound from reso heads that isn't apparent sitting behind the drums
6) probably something obvious I'm missing, but let's stick with the items above.
We probably never really know what our kit sounds like out front, unless we can get someone to play EXACTLY like we do: same velocity, same cymbal technique, same kick technique, same rim/head ratio on the snare, same balance between drums, etc. But having some playing is better than none at all for getting an estimate of how the kit sounds.
For live muffling, I go pretty simple. Nothing on the toms or the snare, and that seems to work well in most venues. The kick is ridiculously padded for 1) better foot response and 2) better sound control out front. Yeah, it's 'click click click' from behind the kit, but out front - where it matters - it's rich, punchy, round, and even has some resonance (which it should NOT have with all those pillows! Yay Ludwig Keystones!)
Anyway, when I hear my kit in my mix, it doesn't much matter what it sounded like acoustically (although it's pretty nice as well...) I can get an idea how it sounds to the audience... where it matters.
Now, in smaller and unmiked venues (bars, etc) I will leave the kick wide open, and control the ring a bit with Evans EMAD coated heads, using the wide ring. There's a perfect balance of tone, thump, boom and definition, without an obnoxious, bangy sound. I should add that I mostly use a heavy-ish reso (Evans EQ3) to further help control the ring. Definitely mic-able inside, but sounds best just outside the hole or from a few feet in front.
There's some consistency between the touring and clubbing scenarios though. Although it seems counter-intuitive, low-tuned drums rarely translate well. They tend to sound dead and thumpy, even though we think they have a lot of resonance and boom. I keep my toms in particular tuned slightly on the high side, so they 'cut' better. And, they sound plenty low in pitch. Same for the kick. I keep my 26 like a 24, 24 like a 22, 22 like a 20, and my 20 like another 20. :) They all sound great, and seem like they're tuned correctly for their size, even though they'd probably be considered a bit high by some standards.
But, we all have different standards, and there's really no correct answer. However we all strive for the same thing: to have our drums sound good. And, we all must realize that what sounds good to our ear behind the kit may not sound good from the listener's perspective, and that we have to be willing to adjust accordingly.
A lot of drummer's bristle at the idea of someone else making suggestions or otherwise controlling the drum sound, but those people - foh engineer or recording engineer - are the very people in a position to determine what sounds good. The drummer, from where he sits, or even listening to a headphone mix, has only a partial idea at best of the resulting sound.
Bermuda
PS - I'm serious about the kick pillows, the top one is a memory foam pillow and VERY dense:
[img]http://www.bermudaschwartz.com/images/paddedkick.jpg[/img]